Hello Dear Reader!
I’m glad our paths have crossed. My name is Colleen. I’m a songwriter, soul-searcher, blogger, and hope-spreader. I’m not here to talk about rainbows and butterflies. If you’re looking for that, go on Facebook or Instagram. I don’t shy away from the ugly, the dark, the struggle. Basically all of the uncool stuff. My hope is that the writing you find here will inspire you to discover serenity in your life, as I seek it in my own. As I’m discovering, it’s not a destination, but a journey. Come join. Brew a cup of tea, put your feet up, take a few deep breaths, and explore around!
A little more about me…
I was born in the forest-filled state of Vermont. Three older sisters, two pups, and my parents. I was a spirited child with a touch of fierceness. I danced, I played, I laughed… I did all of the things most children do.
But under the surface, I faced inner battles. Anxiety always plagued me. My struggle with mental health began to show its dark face starting from a very young age. As a kid, many nights were spent lying in bed with horrible stomach aches; if I could not soothe myself to sleep, I’d get up and pace around the kitchen counter, breathing heavily, afraid I would throw up at any moment through the wee hours of the night.
I’d periodically go days barely eating anything. I never went to sleep overs. I walked around with tomato red chapped hands – occasionally bleeding – from excessive hand washing. And I refused to eat outside of the house or if my mom wasn't around because I didn't feel safe. These inner battles accompanied me all through middle school and high school and only became more intense as I grew older. I started to take pain out on myself.
When I was seventeen years old, my dad lost his job and retired. My relationship with him had been a source of conflict in my heart and in my home for years. Having him around all day only made things harder. Additional family stress added to even greater chaos. I didn't know how to handle the commotion. I internalized the dysfunctional environment of my home, bottled things up, and I began starving myself.
In two months, I lost thirty pounds and was diagnosed with anorexia. I was weak, emaciated and beyond ashamed of what I'd done to myself. My life was ripped from beneath my feet. The things I once loved became too difficult for me to do. I'd lie in bed wondering if I would wake up the next day. The slow beat of my heart felt weaker and weaker by the day. Although the doctors threatened hospitalization, I wasn't hospitalized, so instead my home became my hospital. And I became invisible to the world.
As skeletal as I was on the outside, it was only a reflection of what was going on inside. Anorexia was not something I chose, but something that took over my mind, invaded my body, and damaged my inner spirit. My body was starving for food, but my heart was starving for peace and connection. I wanted to be seen and known.
Life is not linear, but I’ve found healing, strength, and hope from writing my story through music and the writing you will find here. I want to inspire you to find your authentic voice by sharing mine. As imperfect as we may feel, who we are is truly what will change the world. Together let’s create a safe place for us to unmask and show up for each other.
Will you join me?