One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that allowing myself to be vulnerable is one of life’s greatest freedoms. In fact, I believe it’s the first step to being healed and becoming my best self.
I didn’t really know how to be vulnerable to others in the areas I felt most fragile because I thought it made me disgusting and different from everyone else. This is why rock bottoms–which I call “breaking open”–can be so soul-transforming. We realize that our imperfections don’t isolate us, they connect us to one another. Not only that, but love can only enter through open hearts and sometimes this means breaking.
One core belief that I’ve had to battle is that nothing good can come out of me. I don’t know where this came from but I was convinced that I was fundamentally screwed up. This blaring belief made writing and recording Serenity almost unbearable. I felt as though I was putting my lovability on the line. If people saw who I truly am, I wouldn’t be worthy of love. I realize now that this is far from the truth, but at the time of making the album, it paralyzed me.
I’m a huge advocate for therapy. But I want to make one thing clear: We don’t have to be in a life crisis to see a therapist and it doesn’t mean we’re “psycho” or there’s something weak about us for going. Through therapy, we can advance in understanding ourselves more deeply. This is quite contrary to weakness. It’s hard work.
One of the greatest breakthroughs I’ve had in therapy, is that there’s always a reason for our insecurities and fragilities. I find it fascinating to explore these areas in my heart because it helps me to understand myself (and others) more deeply. Our symptoms–whatever they may be–merely externalize a deeper issue. I had always just assumed “there’s something messed up with me,” but I learned that my struggles were a reaction to something that was not ok. I wasn’t just a screw up.
Vulnerability and compassion are the antidote to shame. Vulnerability opens the crack that allows us to be seen authentically, while compassion invites love to pour through. We will realize we are not unlovable or isolated from everyone else. Our imperfections connect us to one another.
Talking about my anorexia is one of the most difficult topics I’ve had to sort through because I still struggle with the shame. For a long time I was afraid people would label me as “fat phobic” or “vain.” This held me back from opening up and letting people into my heart. But I choose to talk about it because vulnerability takes away shame’s power. We are not alone in struggle.
As I continue to write music for my next album and as I dig deeper, I become more free. I become more ok with my fragility and I’m starting to see the beauty in it. I continue to break through the walls of “nothing good can come out of me” and “I’m fundamentally screwed up.”
This next album is about cultivating the inner strength we all have inside and through that, finding harmony within our own hearts. This is a journey I’m still on; it’s a journey that still feels risky; and it’s a journey that continues to break me open. This is why I’ve decided to call my next album “Brave.”
Question to ask yourself:
What would ‘bravely breaking open’ look like for you?
How would your life improve if you chose to bravely break open?