What To Do When Pain Comes to Visit: Dealing With Difficult Emotions.

Have you ever felt like life is a mix of chaos and mundane—on repeat? There’s too much to do and not enough time to enjoy the little things. It’s tiresome and the discontent feels like a steady ache beneath the surface. Our exhaustion outweighs our joy. We ask ourselves: isn’t there more?

Sometimes life can feel so heavy and our hearts in so many pieces that everyday feels like a battle just to get up in the morning. Whether it’s heartbreak, betrayal, the loss of a loved one, or some other big life stressor, it feels as though the waves crashed upon us and we are swept up to the shore like driftwood. We think to ourselves: I can’t carry this much longer.

Feelings are a part of the human experience. They’re not something to fix like a broken dishwasher or analyze like a math equation. They’re to be held with curiosity and compassion. Feelings come as visitors and although some feelings are more pleasant than others, it is important not to push away the harder ones in life. Doesn’t the sweet blossom of spring need a little rain to grow?

You can practice positive habits under the guise of “self-improvement” all day long—and don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge advocate for healthy habits. You can practice gratitude, meditate, connect to your greater sense of spirituality, call a loved one or an old friend. And yes, these all have their place. But sometimes, we just need to sit with that internal ache. Look at it with the eyes of our heart: oh sadness, what are you here to tell me?

Yesterday while I was on a walk, I passed someone on the street who, to me, looked sad. My heart ached for her wondering what it was that was causing her pain. I was already feeling an extra sensitivity to pain because a few of the people closest to me are dealing with immense heartbreak and loss; their grief is so vast, just remembering to breathe takes effort.

How is it that the human heart can carry such pain? Doesn’t it feel like too much sometimes? What do you do when it feels like too much? The grief people carry, the betrayal, the loss, their internalized feelings of unworthiness and questions of “What if I had done this differently?” It can feel like a hollow abyss—where does that pain go? Everyone has hidden battles going on beneath the surface. At the same time, I believe everyone has inextricable resilience and strength when they tune into their resources (both inwardly, and through external support).

I was recently at the ocean. I love analogies and metaphors and seeking wisdom in the quiet simplicity of nature. Looking out from the shore, the vastness of the water mesmerized me. The rhythm of the waves. The warm, salty air. The sand beneath my feet. The sun flickering in the water like a dance. It is majestic and sacred. I am reminded once again: all things pass, everything has a season, and life has a rhythm, just like the waves. Even pain. But the question remains, what do we do in those harder moments?

Although there is no easy way out of painful emotions and difficult situations, there are healthy ways to cope.

Here are 4 ways to tap into your internal resources to help when intense emotions come to visit.

1. Witness.
Become aware of the emotion you’re feeling. You do not need to analyze it or control it or push it away. This only latches you more intensely to the feeling. In order for the emotion to move through, you need to allow yourself to truly feel it. Witness the feeling, just like you would overlook the ocean from the shore. Do you feel anything in your physical body? A tightness, clenched jaw, an aching chest? Observe your internal experience with as much curiosity and compassion as you can. Remind yourself: this emotion is a visitor. Let it move through you, like the ebb and flow of a wave. Keep breathing.

2. Label.
Once you’ve drawn your awareness to your experience, label the emotion you’re feeling without judgment. Emotions aren’t “good” or “bad.” They’re the energy of the heart, energy in motion. Take a moment to dig under the surface. Are you truly angry? Or, perhaps you’re feeling the sadness of something not working out the way you hoped for. You may realize you’re feeling more than one emotion at a time. That is normal. Your emotions are part of your experience, they aren’t who you are. Reminding yourself of this creates distance between observing the emotion and clinging to it and spiraling down. Ride the wave of the emotion, don’t get pulled into the undertow. Label and observe.

3. Nurture.
You’ve now become aware of your internal experience, witnessed it and labeled it. Now it’s time to befriend this visitor. This is different from dwelling or doggy paddling in your sadness and grief. It’s about tending to the emotion, like a gardener tends to the soil. Set aside time to bravely create space for the emotions. What color is the emotion? What does the emotion sound like? Is there a song that you can relate to this feeling? Perhaps listen to that song or draw out the feeling. You could create a list of all the different words to describe the feeling. Just as you would listen deeply to a friend in need, turn that same tender gaze towards yourself. Healing is in the feeling. Trust that this too shall pass.

4. Surrender.
The last step, and perhaps the hardest one, is surrendering. Without resistance; without constraint; without judgment. Interestingly enough, brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, relates human emotions to the ocean saying, “these waves last just 90 seconds. After that, we're simply re-stimulating our internal circuitry.”* By surrendering the feeling you allow it to take its natural course (and it only lasts 90 seconds!). You let go of whatever it is that’s building inside—like a big exhale of relief. This creates space inside—space to heal, space to fill your heart again with joy, love, and peace. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. You can even write down what you are surrendering. You can repeat it in your head like a mantra such as: “I recognize this dull ache inside me. I let it take its natural course and move through me. I am strong enough to withstand this.” You can tell a loved one if you’d like. You can visualize handing it over to your own understanding of a higher being or God. You are doing the best you can. Be gentle with yourself.

Whether it is your own painful experience, or you are carrying the weight with a loved one, know that this too shall pass. It can feel overwhelming how much the human heart can carry. But the depth of emotion and capacity to feel deepens our capacity to give and receive love. Love, compassion, and tenderness will soothe the wound and sometimes that means walking through the heartache.

Remember the water. The ebb and flow teaches us the beauty of surrender. The waves rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall…without resistance. It is fluid, effortless, yet, at the same time, water is powerful. What if we, too, are like the ocean?

Serenity and love,

Colleen

*Resource: http://thedanielislandnews.com/opinions/how-90-second-rule-can-change-your-life

This article was published on The Learning Mind: Check it out here!

The Antidote to Comparison.

I recently went to a women’s group to support a friend who was leading the discussion. The topic was on comparison and validation.
We were guided to get really honest with ourselves: Where do I seek validation, where am I striving, how am I comparing myself to others?

Yikes.

As I reflected upon these questions, I realized that the validation I seek through external accomplishments can only be fulfilled by an internal sense of self-acceptance. It was made clear to me: validation and comparison come from a place of not recognizing my own worth. The nagging ache inside that says “you’re not enough” is incredibly hard to sit with and many of us will do anything to drown it out or fill the void by striving, overworking, overextending, and avoiding rest and rejuvenation at all costs. Also, let’s just address the elephant in the room:

Rest and stillness are an act of rebellion in today’s society.

Not to mention, it can feel really intimidating to be still with our thoughts, our hearts, and the cadence that is going on beneath the busyness of life. We instinctively know that we are made to savor life more than the modern day seems to allow; we are made to breathe in the morning birdsong; to take a moment to hear the rain fall through a cracked window; to see the sun rise for yet another day we have to be alive. But then there’s the other voice. The one that says “do more, be more, stay busy always.” Busyness is equated with productivity which we think defines our worth. This isn’t true, but it seems that the world’s message overpowers that inner-knowing we have.

We compare ourselves to others in order to find “evidence” that we are, in fact, unworthy. We aren’t good enough as we are: someone’s prettier, smarter, harder working; someone else has the body, job, relationship that we want; from the outside looking in, we start to believe everyone else has it easier than we do. Can you relate?

Seeking validation—and all of the forms that takes—misses the point. It’s not about gaining approval from our boss, parents, or our childhood friend who watches our stories on Instagram. It comes down to fully accepting ourselves: our life situations, our limitations, our emotions. But it also comes with acknowledging equally our strengths, blessings, and life’s inherent sacredness.

You may be thinking: “Ya, ya, ya, I get it. I just need to accept myself.” But practically, what does that even look like?

The word and idea of “serenity” sparks great meaning in my soul. It’s what I yearn for, it’s what I seek to live out, and it’s the message I hope to share with others. Heck, it’s the title of this entire website! Not surprisingly, the Serenity Prayer also holds a special spot in my heart as well because although it is simple—and quite easy to miss its depth if we rush through it—I think all of our lives would truly transform if we lived it out and embodied this prayer. If you’re not familiar, it goes like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ahh. Take a deep breath. Breathe in those words. Allow them to sink in.

Serenity comes from deep, abiding acceptance. A trusting surrender. It reminds me: everything is ok. And if I really think about it, my tendency to compare myself comes from believing I need to be different than who I am. But I firmly believe this prayer can be our heart’s GPS to greater peace and freedom.

Let’s practice: Bring to mind a current situation, thought pattern or negative belief you have about yourself and reflect upon or journal out the following questions:

Practice Acceptance: In what area am I struggling with acceptance? Am I placing unnecessary judgment or pressure on myself? What do I need to accept about this situation or about myself? Remember: resistance is what causes internal friction in our life. Acceptance is what liberates us from it.

Practice Courage: How can I act with courage in this situation? (Perhaps repeating a word or phrase that builds you up rather than tears you down; or perhaps calling that person and having an honest conversation, etc). Where do I need to take brave action and where do I need to let go of control? What’s one step today where I can implement this courage? Lean in to fear. It just may be the way out.

Practice Wise Discernment: What is truly, deeply in my control in this situation at hand? What is not in my control to change? How can I make peace with these revelations? Honor where this leads you. Self-compassion helps, always.

There is immense peace and freedom that comes from recognizing what is in our control instead of fighting with reality. You deserve that peace and freedom and it may just be a bit closer than you realize! Remember: you are not alone. So try not to judge yourself for whatever comes up.

Self-acceptance is hard.
You are worthy just as you are.
You deserve the rest and stillness it takes to cultivate and rediscover your sense of self-worth.
You do not need to fix, change or outrun yourself.
It’s ok to just be.
You deserve love just as you are.
You do not need to earn or seek approval and validation from other people.
It’s right inside you.
Worthiness is your birthright.

I recommend sharing your feelings with a loved one, a safe person. Allow them to truly see you, even if it feels scary. There’s something remarkably healing and transformative about showing others how we see ourselves and allowing them to love us through it. This can help us remember our own worth when we are struggling to see and feel it.

I truly believe acceptance—especially self-acceptnace—is the antidote to comparison. Likewise, building upon that self-acceptance and strengthening our sense of worth allows us to give ourselves the validation that we’ve been seeking in others. Knowing where we fall into comparison and the ways in which we seek validation allows us to break the cycle. Our areas of insecurity can also reveal core wounds that still need healing. Let that healing begin now.

Love enters through the cracks of our vulnerabilities and insecurities. That’s where the healing happens. Let it pour in like a light through the cracks.

Serenity and love,

Colleen

Little Tree (for the sensitive ones).

It’s early morning. My body awoke all on its own. At first I tried to snag a few extra moments of sleep, but I think something in me knew today was a “get up before the sun” kind of morning. There’s something sacred and special about the early morning. So here I am, sitting on my couch with a hot cup of coffee. The windows to my living room are open so I’m greeted by the sweet sounds of birds. I can hear 3 distinct bird sounds, but I’m not quite sure what the bird names are. Nevertheless, this is one of my happiest places. Sweet and pure.

Yesterday, I had the wonderful opportunity to go on a mini “yoga retreat” with some friends. It was about a hour long drive to the destination, where we landed at a nature center. The yoga took place in a forest. Our group of 18 yogis laid out our mats one by one. And with each unrolled mat, there’s a part of our hearts that also seems to unravel onto the forest floor. How can you not when you’re in such a sacred space in the woods? We’re in a unique nook in the woods because there’s an opening with flat ground, just enough for us yogis, but it’s in the heart of a forest. The trees are long and tall. And when you look up to the sky, depending on which angle you’re at, the tree branches at the top make a heart shape and beyond the heart-shape opening, is pure sky. Sometimes clouds pass by, but sometimes it’s a pristine blue abyss with an effervescent gleam of light shimmering through.

We introduce ourselves one by one and share what brought us to “yoga in the pines.” Introductions are not my favorite and I’ve never felt like I’m any good at them, so this is by far my least favorite part. Thankfully it’s over with right at the beginning. Then class begins. We start on our backs with a grounding meditation. Looking up to the sky above, feeling held by the earth below. Ahhh… We gently get into some more movement and warrior poses and throughout the playful and intuitive sequence, our instructor reads a few phrases from an excerpt written by Eckhart Tolle (Note: if you’re not familiar with himI recommend checking him out).

Something I’ve always noticed is how the birdsong is so crystal clear and pure in the woods. It’s like the difference between city air and mountain air. There’s a poignancy about it. About 45 minutes into the practice we are guided to take a “walking meditation” throughout the woods. There are some trails to follow, but I prefer letting the forest and my curiosity be my guide. I’m walking along the forest floor, hearing the crunch of pine cones and leaves beneath my feet. I find myself looking up at the sky with the light of the sun streaming through the treetop branches. Radiant. I lean up against a tree and just stare up above, as though I’ve never seen life from this perspective. Instinctively, my eyes drift downward so my gaze is just in front of me. I notice the gentle sway of the leaves on a tree a few feet in front of me.

Looking at this tree in I notice that I don’t feel any breeze on my own skin yet this gentle, unassuming tree’s leaves are flowing softly. I notice this is one of the only trees that’s swaying in the wind. I think to myself: this tree has heightened sensitivity.

Perhaps this is an odd instinct, but I saw myself in the tree.

You see, I’m a very sensitive person, but when I say “sensitive” I do not mean “takes everything personally.” In this sense of the word, I mean I am deeply impacted by my environment, the people around me, their energy and emotions, and all of the sounds and stimulation. In other words: I have highly attuned “senses.” When I’m taking good care of myself, this “sensitivity” can be like a superpower; I’m aware, creative, attentive. However, when I’m not sleeping well at night or dealing with excessive stress in my own life, it feels like a giant windstorm inside.

I see this delicate tree swaying. Her trunk, though also small and delicate compared to the big surrounding pine trees, is steady and strong. Yet her leaves ruffle in the wind. Though she is small, she is mighty. I see myself. Do you see you?

We are often shamed out of our sensitivity as kids. It’s considered weakness in our society. Or if not a weakness, at least a nuisance. “She’s just sensitive.” However, if you think about it, being sensitive is about being highly connected to our senses and the opposite of sensitive by definition is not “strong” (or, dare I joke, “AWESOME”)…the antonym is “insensitive, unresponsive, impervious.” No thank you!

I hear the gentle sound of a bell, which is our signal to mindfully wander ourselves back to our mats. I feel changed by the experience of the sun streaming through the treetops and the sweet sway of the little tree in front of me. I feel present, alive and restored. A sense of healing within.

Soon after being called back to our mats, we make our way on to our backs to finish with some restorative movements. Sky above, earth below, stillness within. We lay on our backs in “savasana”, or as our instructor called it, a “yoga nap.”

After we finish with savasana and namaste, I open my eyers and look around. I can’t help but notice the collective energy of the groupt: peaceful, rested, grounded. In one word: sensitized. There’s a settledness but also an aliveness. Whether we know it or not, we are all like the little tree, who swayed in the wind, and there’s a magic in connecting with our inherent sensitivity.

Stay soft. Stay sensitized.

Rooted below, standing tall, beautifully and softly caressed by the gentle wind.

Keep taking care of you.

Another Year Around The Sun.

Truth be told, I had a completely different idea of what this May post would be about. Originally I wrote out 25 things I learned over the year, commemorating the end of being 25. However, I was having technological issues so I couldn’t access my website and I was very uninspired by the writing I had done (no offense to myself). Talk about a creative rejection from the universe. Nothing says, “Uh, TRY AGAIN,” like the entire website shutting down on you! Clearly, I had some deeper thinking to do. Thank you, universe, for calling me out!

Another year around the sun.
Now I’m 26.
Pardon me if I sound way too sentimental saying this, but… I find as I climb deeper into my 20s, each birthday comes with a sense of nostalgia—a bittersweetness. I ask myself: Was this year what I hoped it’d be? Am I who I thought I’d be at this age? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go?

Similar to New Years or graduations or anything that sets a season of life apart, I find birthdays to be a new beginning. There’s the sweetness of reconnecting with my heart’s yearnings once again. My spirit is filled with hope for another year to explore, learn, and live. In these moments, I remember the magic of being truly alive.

Last year on my birthday I was in a very different place in life. I was thriving in my job, meeting new people, feeling engaged and enriched in my professional and in my personal life. Life felt new and exciting. But the latter part of the year was unexpectedly difficult. Although it’s hard in the moment, I’ve learned to honor the technicolor of a full life, which includes knowing intimately life’s inevitable disappointments, struggles, and frustrations—the bitter part.

Fast forward. I recently left a job I used to love that gradually had become a place I no longer felt I belonged. It was an achey process, and one I tried to fix and control for awhile. But ultimately, it was taking me further away from who I want to be and where I want to go—and I knew it. I felt distant from the part of me that knows I can do so much more. In fact, that little voice inside? She kept whispering, You’re made for so much more.

In this particular season of stress and disappointment, I found myself untouched by life’s wonder, beauty and magic. The birds still sung outside my window when I awoke each morning, but my heart wasn’t washed over with a sense of joy and awe like it used to be. I felt tremendously disenchanted by it. Unphased. I noticed the birdsong and tried to embrace its sweetness, but I couldn’t.

In those moments of barely even feeling like a shell of a human, I wondered: Where does the magic go? It’s right in front of me, but feels out of reach.

Perhaps the magic doesn’t “go” anywhere in the literal sense. Perhaps something in me left. I experienced burnout in a way I’d never experienced before. I dealt with a break up, a job change and an injury that lasted the entire year. I let go of familiarity and control and certainty.

But with any “letting go” there’s an equal opportunity to “let in.” Perhaps I let life’s inherent goodness—the sweetness— hide behind the shadows of life. And it’s time to find how to let it back in. I don’t know what this year has in store for me and I’m totally ok with that. What I do know is I’m going to prioritize the beginnings of this new chapter exploring and discovering what I choose to “let in.”

I have some exciting changes coming my way and I’m truly looking forward to it. I’ll continue to embrace the excitement, hope, even the fear. The Bitter and the Sweet. And I’ll wash my hands clean of the past. Let the spring rain wash away all of the dust…to allow the flowers to blossom. It’s a new year; new age; new chapter. I’m already sensing a flicker of magic re-awakening inside me as I write this. And that’s all I need. Just a flicker.

”How beautifully you are learning the art of surrender, the courage to let go, in the wild of your unknowns.” - Morgan Harper Nichols

P.S. The photo was taken above while out on a walk with a friend.

The Art of Non-Striving: 4 Tips to Transform Your Stress into Stillness

Finally, it was my turn to get covid. And the truth is, it felt like I could take a deep breath for the first time in awhile. My mind and body could be in the same place, at this moment in time, because I had time to rest. The frenzy and busyness of my life came to a hush and I could settle into a slower rhythm. I ask myself:  why did it take getting sick for me to get the rest I needed?

Perhaps you can relate.

Have you ever felt like your brain is a revved up engine that’s constantly running? Your mind is racing, moving from one thing to the next. It’s difficult to complete a task without being interrupted by a text, your social media, or some other distraction. There’s not enough hours in the day to get it all done. Nor is there enough energy to complete everything you want to do. You put your head on the pillow each night looking up at a dark ceiling with a list of things you didn’t get done and creating tomorrow’s incessant list in your head.
 
 If you are experiencing this, you are not alone.
 
However, there’s only so long you can put up with this level of busyness. Regardless of your ability to “push through”,  ultimately, your body will tap out. Your mental health will decline. Your feelings of joy and fulfillment will plummet. You may be thinking there’s no alternative. Bills need to be paid. There are responsibilities that cannot be ignored… And, perhaps the most debilitating, the fear of disappointing people can weigh you down like a ton of bricks.
 
 There has to be another way.
 
 It’s important to note that prolonged stress—which leads to burnout— is a trauma to your nervous system.  Your internal circuitry is in survival mode. That is why you constantly feel like a revved up motor; or a dormant volcano that could erupt at any point. Your body is in flight or fight.  Like anything that requires a change, you must become aware of, and acknowledge, the problem.

You might be thinking:  Where do I even begin? How can it change? It’s all too much.
 
 Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders. Release your jaw. Unclench your fists.
 
 I have good news. It starts right now, in this moment, with one question:
 
 What if every decision you made came from a place of stillness rather than striving?
 
 How often do you make commitments or agree to additional responsibilities that you don’t truly have the energy for? How often do you do things out of “should” or guilt? How often do you say yes to something that you really, truly didn’t need to say yes to?  Have you ever considered checking in with your own energy reserves before committing to something or someone?
 
 In a society that praises productivity, perfection, and performance, it can be really easy to lose sight of balance and well-being. It can be easy to forget that we are human beings, not human doings.  We have needs that must be tended to. Rest is not a luxury. It is a basic need. We need restoration, nourishment, connection, joy, and purpose in our everyday life. You are so much more than a robot going through the motions.
 
 So what does it mean to listen to the stillness and be guided by it?
 

Let me introduce you to the philosophy of “effortless effort” or, as the Chinese call it, “Wu Wei.” This philosophy has the ability to change your life by changing the how and why of what you do. Wu Wei is about “achieving more” by doing less. It’s about letting go of striving and leaning into stillness. Sound too good to be true?
 
 Let me get this straight:  Shifting to a mindset of non-striving does not mean you never do things you don’t want to or don’t work hard for the things you dream about. It’s about simplifying your life and putting your energy towards the things that align with your values and dreams. Non-striving does not mean laziness or passivity. Non-striving is about not forcing, controlling or manipulating an outcome, but rather, embracing and allowing things to unfold naturally. If you are aligned with your moral compass, and make decisions from that space, you will be able to achieve what you desire without the exhaustion and misery that comes with constant striving.
 
 Below are 4 tips to live out “Wu Wei” to overcome stress and anxiety and connect with the stillness inside you:
 
 1. Take a Step Back
 Zoom out the camera lens on your life right now and and take a deep breath. Everything becomes so much clearer when we take a step back. When we’re zoomed up so close into our life situation, emotions, relationships, responsibilities, job, it’s impossible to have perspective. It’s like looking at one speck of sand when we have the entire beach and ocean landscape right in front of us. Suddenly, what seemed like the end of the world, becomes a mere glimpse in our one, beautiful, precious life. While it’s important not to downplay the big tragedies of life, it’s important not to magnify them, either—which is very counterintuitive. Big or small, you must acknowledge what you are struggling with. Big or small, you must release your grip and surrender. 
 
 Actionable step. What is on the forefront of your mind? What keeps you up at night or jumps into your brain first thing in the morning? Either write it down or call to mind what this is for you. It’s time to implement the power of surrendering. It is your gateway to freedom. Take a nice long inhale becoming fully aware of the landscape of your thoughts and emotions. As you exhale, feel and envision the tension and anxiety releasing out of your body. Anxious thoughts tighten our physical body. Allow this sense of surrender to be embodied:  soften your tongue to the bottom of your mouth; relax your shoulders; sit up a little taller. Breathe. Set a timer and practice this for 5 minutes. If you’d like to take this a step further, you can even use the tightening and loosening of your fists to bring a deeper sense of letting go. As you inhale, become aware of your thoughts and clench your fists. As you exhale, imagine, visualize and FEEL yourself releasing the grip of both your mental and physical tension.
 
 2. Find the Flow
 Wu Wei is often described as being “in the flow” or “in the zone.” It is likened to the mental focus and efficacy of an athlete or a musician. In order to be in the flow, one has to be focused, relaxed, and detached from the outcome. For example, you can’t be grasping, clinging or striving while in the flow. You are one with what you are doing. This is the art of “effortless effort.” This is how athletes achieve incredible athletic feats without “trying.” So what does this have to do with recovering your nervous system?
 
 Actionable step: Recall a time, a memory, or an activity where you lost complete track of time. Nothing existed except what you were doing. It could be painting, cooking, running, teaching, etc. It could have been with someone or by yourself. This is the “flow.” The flow comes from connecting with that stillness within. It’s a wakefulness, an aliveness; it is within the deepest part of you. That is the real you. You may find yourself thinking, “I’m not trying to set a world record, I’m just trying to get my life together.” The importance of connecting with the flow is that it reconnects you with your inherent ability to be relaxed and focused, while also bringing a sense of energy, excitement, and aliveness. Think of it as re-circuiting your nervous system. This is where all good change emerges.
 
 Take time today to find the flow, even if it’s just 10 minutes. Don’t force anything, just allow it to happen. It’s about creating a space for you to enter into the flow, and then letting go of the outcome. 

 3. Feel the Stillness
 Now that you have taken a step back and gotten a sense of what the flow feels like, you’ve tapped into a very powerful internal resource you have:  stillness. Stillness is not passive. Stillness is present. Stillness speaks in the subtleties of what makes us feel joyful, depleted, energized, strained. The things that make the human spirit awaken is that internal stillness. This is the voice you must listen to. The part of you that notices a beautiful sunset—that’s stillness. The part of you that is moved to tears by witnessing an act of kindness—that’s stillness. Stillness is awakened by moments and experiences of beauty, goodness, and truth which is why it will never lead you astray.
 
 Actionable step:  Next time you are faced with a decision, whether it’s taking on a responsibility, a commitment, or a bigger life choice, before acting upon it, ask yourself:  is my determining factor coming from a place of striving or stillness? Fear or peace? Get quiet. Listen inward. Just like “Wu Wei”,  the answer will come to you when you release the need for an outcome, or in this case, an answer. Bring to mind your choices or whatever it is that you’re considering and then surrender it. Breathe deeply and slowly. Perhaps go for a walk.  Don’t try and “force” an answer. Just be. From this place, ask yourself:  What would make me feel most at peace? Stillness always directs you towards greater peace. Peace is the arrow. Follow it.
 
 Below are common signs that striving has taken hold of the steering wheel:
 - Making decisions based off “should”
 - A sense of dread
 - Feeling drained
 - Frustration
 - Feeling conflicted with yourself
 - Exhaustion
 - Doing something to please other people at the expense of your own peace
 - Feeling a need to perform to earn your worth
 
 Signs that you are being guided by stillness:
 - An overall sense of relief
 - The decision or choice you are making allows you to take a deeper breath
 - You feel a weight has been lifted off
 - Even if the decision requires courageous action, you feel a sense of calm and truth
 
 4. Choose the Truth.
 Stillness reflects the truth that sometimes gets lost beneath the chaos of emotions, stress, pressure, and anxiety. This is why it is vital to find a way that steadies the turbulence of the mind. Sometimes we know what to do, but trick ourselves into thinking that we don’t know what to do. It’s a remarkable way of hiding from our own selves!  It can be scary to follow what will bring you peace when it requires change because change takes courage. Ultimately, though, sabotaging your own self, your energy, depleting your reserves, leads to letting yourself down the most…which trickles into every nook and cranny of your life.  Time to get honest with yourself.
 
 Actionable step: In what areas do you feel you are striving? What in your life makes you feel exhausted and brings a sense of dread and heaviness? What is in your control to change those things? Think big. The answer may not be easy, but striving never leads to freedom, contentment or joy. Remember, striving is a mindset. It’s a way of doing things; it’s the energy and strain behind the action. It’s time to let go of that habit. Exchange striving for stillness and allow your life to transform!

I hope these tips encourage you to create more balance and joy into your life. You deserve to thrive. You deserve to feel your best so you can show up in the world at your best. This is the power of using stress as an opportunity to lean into stillness. Truly, the magic is in you! 

What Do You Need to Release?

At the beginning of every yoga class, I ask my students to find an “anchor” for class. Something to bring them back to the present moment when they notice their mind has slipped into thought and wandered away from the mat. An anchor can be something such as staying connected to the sensation of the breath—soft inhales, gentle exhales—or the feeling of the mat beneath their toes, or to find a word or mantra such as “acceptance” or “find the ease.”

However, for the month of March, I decided to set a theme for the class as a collective anchor. Everyone’s interpretation and choice as to how to implement the anchor is completely up to them (or even to choose something totally different. I’m here for the yogis that go rogue!). The class theme is: RELEASE.

I invited the class to find a comfortable position to begin, and prompted the students to take an inventory of themselves to find what they need to release throughout the class. This would be their anchor. It could be physical, mental, or emotional. The magic about releasing is it creates space in the body and mind to go deeper. Physically, deeper into the posture. But also mentally and emotionally, it allows us to reach new depths inside when we release the things we clench and cling to: perfectionism, resentment, self-judgment, doubt, control, fear… the list goes on and on.

I’ve since been reflecting on what it is I need to release in my life. I don’t give a damn about released hamstrings if my heart isn’t open and released as well. It’s funny how I can be blind to my own self sometimes, but surely enough, as I let the question sit and ponder within, I realize I need to let go of control. The need for certainty. The resistance to change. The fear of the unknown.

But what is control? In the context I’m using it (something I need to let go of), even the word is annoying to me! But truly, all that control is, is self-protection. It’s disguised fear. It’s an attempt to find a sense of autonomy or even certainty over a given situation, outcome, etc. But at the end of the day, the things we are trying to control end up controlling us. And none of us want that.

Life is not linear. It’s more like the ocean. An ebb and flow. Rise and fall. Things come and go.

Have you ever tried to scoop up water in your hand and close your grasp to keep the water? The water slips through the cracks, and you end up clenching onto nothingness (and likely end up with achey fingers too). It’s wasted energy. Control is merely an illusion. But we so often cling to it for dear life only to have all sense of peace slip away from our hearts and a lot less energy for the beautiful things of life.

So I ask you: What do you need to release?

Below are four tips I have for you to get you started!

Step one:
Discern what it is that you need to let go of. Be specific about what it is you’re releasing.
Ask yourself: What’s making me feel stuck and held back? What heaviness am I carrying? Where am I holding tension?

Perhaps you need to release expectations of yourself or other people. Maybe you need to release self-judgment to make space for self-compassion. Maybe, like me, you’re working to release control and learning to surrender to where life is calling you to go. There are many things we hold on to. Pick one or two things that you want to focus on. Below are a few other prompts that may help your self-inventory.

Do you feel the need to always be busy or productive?
Release the fear of being still (staying busy can be its own addiction!)

Do you find yourself resisting your current life situation/relationship/etc?
Release the fear of accepting things as they are.

Do you feel the pressure to do everything perfectly?
Release the fear of imperfection.

Do you find yourself comparing your current situation to other people and judging it as better or worse than your own?
Release the fear of comparison and unfairness (comparison doesn’t help any situation).

Release, release, release…

Step two:
Think of one way today that you can release what you intend to let go of.
Ask yourself: What can I do about it? How can I create more space in my life?

Much like I do for my students in my class, I like to get into a relaxing posture (child’s pose, savasana, reclined butterfly pose, just to name a few) and rest there for a few moments, allowing my breath to relax my body. A relaxed body creates an environment for the mind to soften and the spirit to restore. Once my body has relaxed, I call to mind what my heart is yearning to release. Releasing emotions or pain comes naturally once you’ve cultivated this space of safety inside. It’s like embodied prayer.

Find whatever it is for you that will release your heart. It could be the relaxation technique I described above. Or a simple prayer. Time in nature. Expressing yourself through creativity (I hear painting is cathartic). Hold yourself accountable and do your one thing today.

Step three:
Notice how you feel after.
Ask yourself: How do I feel now? Do I feel any different?

Find a journal to write it out; this will be your very own data for your self-growth! Maybe you feel more open and spacious inside. Maybe you feel a greater sense of peace. Maybe you don’t and that’s ok too. Releasing takes time. There’s no magical short cut (and if there is, someone please tell me!) and the deeper engrained things are, the longer it can take to release.

Step four:
Practice. We don’t change or improve by doing something once and never going back. Practice creates lasting change!
Ask yourself: How can I implement this practice in my daily life?
Start with a week. That’s just 7 days! It could be 10 minutes a day if that’s all you have. But keep this promise to yourself and do it. You can even tell a friend as an “accountability-buddy.”

I can’t wait for you to experience the beauty of releasing. Bringing mindfulness to what we are releasing is a very powerful thing. Let’s invite peace into our hearts, today and everyday :)


Serenity and love,

Colleen

4 Ways You Can Start Healing Today

We’ve all experienced pain and struggle but sometimes navigating our way out looks and feels like a twisty and turning maze. Whether it’s heartbreak, or the loss of a loved one, or dealing with anxiety or depression, healing is possible and you have the resources within to find that healing. Below are 4 truths that can lead you to the path of healing today. So grab a cup of tea, put on your coziest slippers and join me!

1. Healing takes time.
Healing often takes longer than we think it “should.” Although this may seem like a bad thing, I’ve come to believe it’s a hidden gift. Beneath all that causes us to suffer is the lesson we need to be freed from suffering. The process of healing is learning those wisdom-filled lessons that come from pain and struggle. Those lessons reveal deeper aspects and truths about ourselves and ultimately, are what lead to healing.

I am a self-proclaimed word nerd and I’m not remotely embarrassed to admit it either! As I was reflecting on what healing means to me, I Google searched “healing” to see what synonyms would come up. The two words that stuck out to me were “soften” and “ease.” I felt myself take a deeper breath. This resonated as true. Oftentimes when we are suffering, we harden. Regardless of what is causing us to suffer, we tend to cut ourselves off from people, withdraw, and close off. Our inner critic gets louder. “What’s wrong with me?” We blame ourselves or we blame other people. We close ourselves off to the outside world and retreat to a dark, lonely place inside. This is our initial reaction to trauma or heartbreak. Can you relate?

However, if healing is the process of restoring our inner self then it seems the only path is to soften. If you think about it, the reason we “harden” to begin with is because it makes us less penetrable; it’s a self-protection mechanism. When we soften, we become vulnerable to the emotions that allow us to feel our pain. But that is where the change happens and it is only by allowing ourselves to feel that we can heal. It’s counterintuitive, but it’s where the transformation takes place.

As a yoga instructor, I often guide my students to “soften a little deeper with every exhale.” This allows them to sink deeper into the posture and find more ease. I believe this is what happens on an emotional and spiritual level when we allow ourselves to soften. Softening invites compassion, which creates a space for us to feel—and therefore work through our pain.

Try it with me:

Take a moment to take a nice, deep breath. As you exhale, sigh it all out. Allow your chest to sink, shoulders to soften. Inhale nice and deep again, allow the air to fill up your rib cage, chest lifts…and sigh it out again. Ahh…

What did you feel when you allowed yourself to fully exhale? Did you feel relief? Did you feel yourself soften? Within 10 seconds, you were able to relieve tension from your physical body. Imagine the impact of softness in response to all of your pain and suffering. How would that change your experience? How would it change you?

Healing does take time. Healing does take work. But most often it takes time and work because we have to unlearn the tendencies that harden us, and keep us running away from experiencing softness and ease. Maybe the lesson underneath your suffering is learning to surrender, or trust, or practice acceptance or self-forgiveness or realizing you do not need to earn your worth. Whatever the lesson is, softness will get you there sooner. So do not be disheartened by the process. Allow yourself to soften. Allow yourself to feel. And allow the healing to happen.

2. Healing takes presence.

I often catch myself falling into this “fantasy world” of what my future “healed” self will be like. She’s off in the distance in this perfect universe that feels almost within my reach. She’s happy, free, and untouched by the things that once caused deep pain (probably off in the mountains or on a perfect beach somewhere in the Caribbean, just saying). However, there are two major things wrong with this scenario: the future never exists—it’s only the continuation of the present moment— and I will never become that person if I don’t take action now. It’s about taking baby steps in the right direction everyday. Instead, I ask myself: “What or how would my best self react in this given situation?” This question allows me to take action. This brings healing and growth into the present. Healing doesn’t happen later. It happens now. Perhaps that is the gift of the present moment. It’s where all life takes place. Every moment is an opportunity for mindfulness, healing, and kindness.

Try it with me:

The next time you find yourself having a strong emotional reaction to something or someone, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself: What would the person I’m striving to become do in this situation? How would he or she react? What would he or she say?

I’ve learned never to take action when I’m in an elevated emotional state. I have to let the strong emotions run their course. I cannot make my best decisions—especially important ones—or address whatever is causing my distress without becoming grounded first. For me, this often means taking a long walk or talking to a friend to help process the situation. Once I’ve regathered myself, I’m then able to address whatever the given situation is (whether it’s a person, a conversation, or something else) with more poise and grace.


3. Healing takes trust.
”Trust the process” is something my therapist has been telling me for years. When things get hard and painful, I so quickly jump to fear. It feels like the world can unravel uncontrollably inside. Life can feel overwhelming despite my best efforts to remain grounded. After one stressful week it feels like all of my hard work regresses back to my unhealthy thought patterns and habits. Defeated. As someone recovering from an eating disorder, this usually looks like doubting my hunger, distrusting my body’s natural cues, or judging my need for food altogether.

What does it mean to trust the process? I believe it comes down to something as simple and difficult to live out as this: learning to trust the inner knowings of your heart. That whisper inside? The quiet nudge that often asks you to act in a way that’s braver than you normally would choose to? That.

Healing looks different for everyone. I’ve previously battled with deep depression and continue to work through anxiety. I’ve previously used exercise addiction and an eating disorder to cope. I used to treat my body like a machine; depriving it of what it needs and forcing it beyond its limits as a way to run away from feelings. For me, trusting the process means slowing down enough to hear what’s going on inside. To feel the hunger. To feel the fear. In this stillness is where that inner voice can be heard. There’s a quote that I love that articulates this simply: “Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.” When we learn to hear that voice, is when we can truly trust the process.

Try it with me:
Think back to the last time you were feeling really stressed or overwhelmed. What were your compensations: Were you tempted to overwork? Or lie on the couch for 15 hours straight? Or reach for food that makes you feel lousy afterward? Those fall back habits are our natural response to stress. To reverse those habits, we have to get in touch with ourselves to know what we truly need. Rest? Nourishing food? Calling a friend? Take a moment to write down 3-5 healthy coping mechanisms to refer back to next time you’re feeling overwhelmed. For example: drink a glass of water, go for a walk outside, get creative and do a craft, watch 20 minutes (not 12 hours) of your favorite show. Nourishing your spirit will make it easier to hear your inner voice.

4. Healing offers service.
Nothing forces us to look within like hitting rock bottom. Soul-crushing, heart-shattering life experiences are sometimes the only way to get our attention. This is often a wake up call from a deep life purpose that is emerging from within. Rock bottom comes to break us open. To break us into place.

It is in the human heart to want to make a difference in the world. We only feel a deep sense of satisfaction when we are living out from our heart and contributing to the world in a way that feels meaningful. In Sanskrit, the word Seva means “selfless service.” Part of what redeems the things in our lives that have caused us great pain and suffering is being able to help others walk through paths that are similar to ours. The truth is, suffering deepens our ability to understand others. It deepens our capacity for compassion. It draws out some of the most beautiful aspects of the human spirit: resilience, wisdom, kindness, compassion. This can only happen, however, when we ourselves choose to heal.

I believe my struggles with an eating disorder and exercise addiction are what led me to become a yoga instructor and personal trainer. This is part of my way of turning my struggles into a service to others. It is of utmost importance to me that I bring that holistic approach that I’ve learned from my own journey to my clients—taking into account the mental, emotional and physical needs of each person. That is where true transformation takes place: both inside and out! For this reason, I approach every client or yoga class with the intention of connecting my students more to their bodies, because our bodies are our best teacher.

Try it with me.
Ask yourself: What sets your heart on fire and makes you want to stand up for something important to you? What has been a main source of pain in your life? These are little stepping stones and clues to how you can contribute to the world from an authentic, heartfelt space.

I hope these 4 tips connected you to the deeper truths within yourself. I’d like to end with the words of a loving-kindness meditation called “Metta Meditation”:

May you be happy.
May you be well.
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful and at ease.

What's Your Compass? Tips To Begin 2022 Mindfully and Intentionally

It’s January 1, 2022.

For some, New Years means writing down ambitious goals and dreaming big. For others, it means an eye roll and face palm—what’s the point, it’s just another day!

In either case, I think beginning the New Year with mindful reflection and intentionality is something everyone deserves to set aside time to do. Yes, YOU!

Where to start, you may ask?

Let’s begin with acknowledging what you’re proud of doing in 2021. It could be something external such as getting a raise at work or deciding to go to therapy, or it could be internal such as becoming better at setting boundaries or sticking to a meditation practice. Whatever it may be, take 5 minutes right now to write down at least 3 reasons you’re proud of yourself—it can be big or small. Grab your pen and paper and set the timer for 5 minutes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait! :-)

As a personal trainer who works at a gym, I hear a lot of “diet talk.” In fact, I’m ready to go into work inundated with comments about food, fitness, and ways to “fix” our bodies. However, I have a different approach that I’d like to invite you to try. Take some time to reflect on some of your core values. What are the things that bring purpose and meaning to your life? What makes you feel like you’re living out your best self?

For example, some of mine include: authentic connection, creative expression, working hard at the things that are important to me, taking care of my body and mental health, cultivating a meditation practice.

It’s easy to lose touch with our core values during times of stress, external responsibilities, and with all that life throws at us—um, pandemic, obviously! However, remembering and reconnecting with our core values can help bring us back to ourselves if we feel we’ve been swept away in the chaos of life. Take 5-10 minutes (or more!) to write down at least 5 of your core values. If you need some guidance as to where to start, ask yourself the questions mentioned above.

Once you’ve written down what some of your core values are, think of a few practical ways to cultivate, align and implement them into your life. For me this looks like making sure I schedule meaningful get-togethers with close friends, set aside time to journal, write and play music, etc. This not only helps to keep me from becoming ungrounded, but also helps bring me home to myself when things do get tough.

At the risk of sounding too “New Years Resolution-y,” — hear me out — ask yourself: What is one mindset habit I'd like to let go of?
For example:
- perfectionism and being too hard on yourself
- trying to control people or things that are out of your control
- comparing yourself to others
- overcommitting to other people at the cost of your own well-being

In exchange for that mindset shift, reflect on a word, phrase, or quote that can take the place of what you’re trying to let go of. For example, I love picking a word or two every year that aligns with the trajectory I want. My words this year are thrive (I have some professional, personal, and creative goals I am set after) and savor (taking time to mindfully enjoy food, slow down to soak in a beautiful sunset, etc). My intention for choosing these words is to use them as a little compass to make sure the decisions I’m making throughout each day are bringing me closer to the path I have set for myself.

Lastly, don’t forget that you are already enough. You do not need to fix yourself to earn love. Just step into who you truly are, and that is enough. <3

I hope these exercises helped you feel grounded and hopeful for the coming year! Feel free to comment below any of your intentions or ideas you have as well!

Serenity and love,

Colleen

Mountain Reflection

It’s 7:23 in the morning.

I step out onto the porch to soak in the view that I’ve always called home: the misty mountains blue. There’s a majestic energy that is visceral when I take a step outside. It’s a full body experience: the gentle breeze caresses my skin; the birdsong echoes in the distance; the mist hovers above the trees and beyond the mountains; the air is so sweet and earthy I can almost taste it. The chatter of my mind comes to a hush as my spirit awakens to the beauty around me.

I find myself searching for this feeling when I’m not at my home in Vermont to experience it. But I ask myself: is this feeling outside of me? Or, perhaps, the beauty and sacredness of the earth, sky, and stars connects me with the intrinsic stillness my soul yearns for?

I close my eyes and take a few long, deep breaths. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be; a glimpse of heaven here on earth. My soul’s thirst for stillness is quenched. My mind’s longing for rest settles. My heart opens with gratitude.

No picture can fully capture the essence of this view: the colors, the depth, the smells, the energy. It must be felt. I hug these moments close to my heart to come back to when I feel overwhelmed by life.

Lately I’ve been struggling with feelings of guilt because my energy cannot meet the demands of my life: at work, in my interpersonal relationships, in my own creative endeavors. I feel out of balance and out of sync from the voice in my soul. I know that stillness and creativity are always the answer to these existential ponderings. I know I need to slow down, but how? Why do I put so much pressure on myself? Why does breathing feel like something I have to remind myself of? Why does life feel so demanding? What am I doing wrong?

Maybe that’s just it, though: maybe I’m depriving myself of interior quiet and stillness by not honoring my energy needs. Maybe only when I honor my energy I’ll be able to get everything done because I will prioritize what truly needs to get done, and let go of the expectations and unnecessary demands I put on myself.

Perhaps you can relate. If so, this is your permission slip to take a moment to breathe. And allow that breath to create space in you, and in your life.

Serenity and love,

Colleen

Why You Shouldn't 'Compliment' Others About Their Weight - As seen on "The Mighty"

Recently I had an exchange with someone at work that simultaneously made my eyes widen and my heart sink. I believe it’s worth sharing because there’s a message beneath it.

It was a Tuesday afternoon. I was walking down the hall. Ahead of me was a coworker I’ve known for years. Someone I cross paths with almost daily. What seemed like out of nowhere, she said to me:

“You look strange.”

Confused by what I’d heard, I said, “What?”

”You look smaller. You lost weight.” Her hands gestured from wide to narrow.

Truthfully, my reaction to this comment is a blur because I was so taken aback.

She continued: “You are smaller than you were before. You look more beautiful.”

These words reverberated inside my brain, almost leaving me speechless. I don’t remember my exact response. But I know I was able to remain composed, which for me is a huge win.

My coworker didn’t know, but I’m seven years into anorexia recovery. In my journey, I’ve come to learn that healing isn’t a destination, nor is it linear. There’s no living life without knowing the intimate reality of how anorexia impacted me.

It has been 11 days since this person made that comment to me. I suspect it’s on my mind still because it felt like such an unwarranted and objectifying opinion placed on my body. It felt not OK on a visceral level. I recall in that moment soothing myself with these words: “She’s just projecting her own body insecurity onto you. This has nothing to do with your body. You are OK.” I continued about my day. Her words lingered.

For someone who has walked through anorexia, this comment wasn’t just a trigger, it felt like a threat. I can’t un-feel or forget the trauma and memory of my body shutting down. Of lying in bed wondering if I’d wake up the next morning. Of barely being able to make it through the day because my body was so tired and weak.

While I may remain composed, it has taken many years of therapy and inner work to overcome what goes on inside after a comment like that. For me, losing weight does not represent wearing a different pant size… it was a matter of living or not. In moments such as these, I can’t help but wonder: Did I lose weight? Was there something wrong with my body before? Should I lose weight? I feel disconnected from reality. And from my body.

The danger of comments such as those is that part of me gets pleasure by the idea of being smaller. It feels like the eating disorder wants to sneak up on me again. But another part of me is terrified by the thought of losing weight without meaning to. Both scenarios feel unsafe. And frankly, I think it’s heartbreaking to live in a world that praises me for looking smaller. What about looking happy? Or strong? Or healthy?

My previous self would have wanted to skip meals after that comment. I would have punished myself through grueling workouts and felt worthless afterward, disturbed by my own body.

But I’ve learned.

Others will project their pain and self-doubt onto you, even if it’s in words disguised by “compliments.” If you really pay attention, others will reveal their own insecurities even if they don’t realize it. This does not make their words or actions OK. The truth is:

I am not immune to comments about my body. I shouldn’t have to be, either.

My body is good. Not because of the way I look. But because of who I am.
My body does not define my worth. It reflects it.
My body is beautiful not because of its shape or size. But because it is my home.

Same for you.

This comment was so far off from honoring what my body is, and that is why it felt so disrespectful. My body’s sense of worth cannot be taken away by another’s inability to see their own self-worth—or mine. I believe my coworker had no intention of being hurtful or detrimental. I believe she had no idea how her comment made me feel. However, it did make me realize just how little we can know about someone based off their appearance. It made me rethink that quote: “Be kind to everyone, because you don’t know what hidden battles they are facing.”

Our words are powerful.

Sometimes I miss the innocent young girl I was before anorexia. But I believe in silver linings.

I believe every person who is struggling with an eating disorder has an inner strength that is insurmountable. It takes relentless courage to overcome the very thing that is telling you to starve yourself. Where every day is a struggle. Every meal. Every bite.

But that strength and courage is the beauty and purpose of healing.

Click here to see the article on “The Mighty.” :-)